Glimpse.

Ugh, I hate being fat, its so gross. I feel awful. I look awful. I hate the weird bulging shapes I get. I hate the way it rolls in odd angles and looks completely foreign, almost not even human. I try to cover it up with clothes, but the clothes almost make it worse. Many cuts and lengths amplify, disect me into unflattering segments, and never fit right. No one cares. Except maybe to make money selling shitty clothes that are almost never flattering. They know this, the designers. It's like an afterthought, like the last hour of their day: "Oh crap, I forgot the fatty clothes!" then slap something together. It's not like it matters, we should be so happy to even find clothing that fits, that doesn't cost a fortune. It's not like anyone will ever look at a fat girl and admire her fashion sense. Ha! It sounds like something someone would blurt out in order to "say something nice". If you care about fashion and clothing, you better not be heavy, you aren't wanted there. Make-up too. The main goal with make-up is to make you look slightly less hideous and a little more human. Make-up, at that point, serves the same function as a couch cover. Not chic, or provocative. Forget about bright colors and glitter. How can you care about girlie prettiness when you resemble a wildeebeast? At very best, some one will tell you, "You have such a pretty face" and if they are kind they'll leave off "Such a damn shame its wasted on someone who clearly doesn't give a shit." Because we all know that's true, right? The only reason why people get so big is because they don't care! If we did, then we'd be sweating our asses of at the gym every waking hour so we could be more fuckable aka more worthwhile. Oh jeeze, am I stupid or what, that solves everything. Because lokking good is the most important thing EVAR, right? Who cares if I have zero energy, can't even take a trip to the mall without having a seat break. To be worried that when the hostess takes us to our booth, I might not fit, and people will have to ask me if I'm ok with concerned looks on their faces. And that is what really sucks right there, the people I really care about, the ones not totally turned off by my obeseness, have to suffer too. They get to watch me be uncomfortable, be worried, be tired. And there's nothing they can do. Well, except be supportive, but supportive of what, exactly? Of the fact I'm a person and not a freak? Except, you know you're a freak. It's ok, just say it. You're a freak. You don't fit in, everyone who looks at you knows something is very wrong. They might wonder why: Is it her thyroid?  Hormones? Genes? Or just a big fat lazy pig? Many of them won't and just assume the latter. Maybe they'll pity you. Maybe they'll despise you. After a while, it all becomes the same...